Wednesday

On Losing One's Self, One's Work



The only self you seem to have been willing to lose is the all together serious artist that you have become.  I think the effort not to work, to submit to an absence of serious work is more exhausting than going ahead and doing that which is by its nature non-negotiable.

Deep and alive at the center of your being is the work. To feel threatened by the scale of the work is to feel a drowned thing moving thorough your limbs. That is what resistance to my work, my core feels like to me. Visceral, this will to work has been woven into the fiber of your being by your own hand for many of your years now. You have become astute. Astute to the nature of your own work.

There is nothing to lose that can be lost.  Your own exhaustion doesn't really matter.  And like I said, we cannot negotiate with that which is to our nature any more than we can negotiate with wind.  At our best we simply fly the kite.

You were planning on returning to the serious work when this happens or that happens and now the timeline has shifted. Again.  It will always be changing.  The support you long for may or not be there.  Of course we hope it will and persuade ourselves that the extraordinary quality of the work itself will prevail and pull us safe and sound into a pumpkin converted carriage in the last hour of any difficult day.

That doesn't matter, either.  Not really.  With or without the rewards of your successes you'll work again.  You know it.  You may take all sorts of chances with not working.  The truly scariest one is to have your own notion of the quality of your work reduced.  Your reach, one might say. Plus there's a certain dirge-like quality the muse inflicts on our lives when we do not submit.

With that said, why not just go ahead and do it?